![]() ![]() I've enjoyed-and continue to enjoy-many fulfilling sexual relationships with bear brand mascots and I have no regrets. ![]() The Coca-Cola polar bear is my primary partner, but we have an understanding that we’re both wild souls with an insatiable sexual appetite and a lifelong commitment to nothing but the beverages we’re sworn to promote. We have much in common: we're both bears, we're treasured marketing icons in the beverage segment, and we both believe that monogamy is a flawed social construct designed to suppress our innate sexuality. For years, I've been in a loving, polyamorous relationship with the Coca-Cola polar bear. So who do I fuck? It’s a personal question, but I’m holding nothing back. I'm just bringing sexy back to your tea and coffee aisle. Clean, the Brawny paper towel guy, the Hamburger Helper hand, all of them fuck and we don't even question it. But in reality, there are many hypersexual brand mascots that have been chasing ass all through your local supermarket for years. When I was younger, I let my sex-positive side hibernate, afraid of what people might think. Hell, if you've ever seen a picture of me, I'm not even wearing pants.ĭon't let that cutesy nightcap fool you I've got nothing on under my nightshirt and I refuse to be ashamed. I'm a sex-positive ursidae in touch with my body and on fire with sexual empowerment. I'm tired of living in a society where being an anthropomorphized bear selling calming bedtime tea implies that I'm not a sexual being. I make a damn soothing cup of herbal tea. I live in a picaresque cottage with a wood-burning fireplace and I love to nap in my cozy green barcalounger. Tea drinkers, it's time for me to tell my truth. ![]()
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